9/11

I'm not sure that I set out to write a post tonight about 9/11 -- but its all I can think about. 11 years later -- the footage is still everywhere. All the major networks will show the attacks in real time tomorrow morning. All of us will awake with fresh wounds -- as if  they ever really healed.

I write alot about ideals. About seizing the day and not letting death get the best of you. You'll see your loved ones again, no big deal. Yes, big deal. I'm embarassed to say it really has taken 11 years but I think the gravity of 9/11 has finally hit me. I've watched countless documentaries on the subject (Jim is borderline obsessed). I've seen the footage so many times I still see it when I close my eyes. I've listened to all 2, 819 names being read at Ground Zero. I'm a big picture girl. I get the big picture of 9/11. We were attacked, we responded and went to war. The landscape of our country, our psyche, our world -- will never be the same.

After we relive the tragedy tomorrow and lick our wounds for the appropriate amount of time -- we will again start remembering the good that came from the bad. The hope that rose from the rubble....or something like that. How do I wrap my head around that? Like I said -- 11 years later I am just now getting it. Most of you have probably been where I am now. Maybe you processed and moved on -- please tell me how. How am I suppose to reconcile with my head and my heart the fact that almost 3,000 people were killed in a single day -- for a single reason? Then, my big picture brain really gets the best of me and I think -- what about the Holocaust? The genocide in Africa? The tsunami in Indonesia? Countless lives lost. Tragically lost. Aren't all lives lost tragic? Would it be worse to lose a loved one to 9/11 than a car accident?The result is the same -- isn't it? What's the point? All of the sudden the world seems very big and I feel very small. I'm worried about getting laundry done and ticked off at Jim for leaving his cereal bowl on the counter again -- and all this tragedy is happening? Happening DAILY. I don't see a tenth of it -- will never hear about it on mainstream media -- will never have to process its ugliness.

Maybe that's it. Maybe we were forced to see the ugliness of 9/11 over and over and over again. Maybe that's why its so disturbing. I live a privledged, sheltered life. I've never feared for my life because I worship Jesus Christ. I've never feared a terrroist attack in my country -- even AFTER 9/11. Am I naive, stupid, out of touch? Death is everywhere. And, the best I can hope for is to die an old lady warm in my bed. (yes, I pulled that from Titanic, don't judge me) So - where do I go from here?

You have to learn from everything -- good,bad and ugly - or this ride we're on really is pointless. What have I learned from 9/11? Don't worry -- I'm not going to pull out flowery cliches about Carpe Diem and God has a plan and it all works out in the end. 9/11 doesn't work out. There is no amount of reasoning or religion that will make that day OK. There is no amount of ignorance or denial that will change the fact that everyday death is a reality for so many across the globe. My lesson from 9/11? I am one hell of a lucky girl. I live in a nation where people were running IN to burning buildings to save their fellow citizens. I live in a world where for everyone trying to destroy life -- there are others trying to preserve it.

Tomorrow when you turn the tv on to watch the coverage (you know you will) figure out what it means to you. Decide how the defining moment of our generation is going to define you. My goal -- still feel 9/11 next week. Still feel lucky when I pick up Jim's cereal bowl. Still feel privledged when I see someone flying the American flag. Still feel honored to serve families in times of loss -- whether that loss comes as a blessing or a tragedy. Still see God and know that 11 years ago Heaven was blessed with the arrival of 2,819 angels.

May God continue to bless the families of 9/11 victims, the first responders who showed the true courage and tenacity of the American spirit and our men and women in uniform -- who defend our freedom daily.