Just Deal.

I talk about death daily. Once people at work find out you own a funeral home --- it comes up. I blog about it frequently. I profess to have great understanding and knowledge on how the rest of you should deal with death -- I being the expert, of course. SO. NOT. TRUE.

Five years ago I fell in love with a brown eyed, blond furred golden retriever named Gibson. We've been inseparable ever since. My husband had him for several years before I came along -- but Gibson and I were meant to be. Both shy, needy, sometimes awkward, love to sleep --- it was a match made in Heaven. Gibson is now 16 years old. I know, you're thinking -- 16 years old?! And he's still alive? Yes he is. And, he will live forever -- thank you very much.

We had a scare the other night and thought for certain the time had come to put Gibson to sleep. "Put him to sleep" sounds nice doesn't it? When the words came out of Jim's mouth, all I could think was we are going to kill him - not "put him to sleep". You wake up from sleep.

Jim wanted Gibson to spend his last night at home -- so he made a pallet on the floor, fed him 12 dozen dog treats and talked to him like it was any other day. Even talked to him about the people he would meet in Heaven. I, on the other hand, sat on the couch -- on the verge of tears, repulsed. My best bud is going to die and we're having a slumber party in the living room?! I couldn't handle it. Didn't know what to do, what to say. And, found my self putting as much physical and emotional distance between Gibson and I as I could. In the morning, I couldn't face the idea of going to the vet and watching -- literally watching -- Gibson die. I tried to get out of it, but it was obvious Jim thought I needed to be there. As we waited at home to leave for the vets office -- I mopped the floors. Why not? What else is one to do in times like these but mop?

Long story short -- my furry love is Ok. Still 16 years old, but doing pretty darn well. My point: people deal with grief, death, dying --- differently. Maybe I "should" have handled it better -- I am in the business, afterall. But, at the end of the day we are all doing the best we can. So have patience. Have faith and be there for those who don't know what to do in the face of death. Because honestly, none of us really know what to do -- even those of us who do it for a living.

unwilling to vacate.

Most of us aren't unwilling to vacate. So, why write a blog about it --- I'm getting there.

I was listening to the radio this week and came in on the tail end of a conversation about death. Of course, I turned up the volume. Apparently, the problem with death is that people are unwilling to vacate life. Umm....duh. I could have gone on the radio and said that. But....stay with me.

I starting thinking about things we are willing to vacate. I stopped counting after I got to "pretty much everything". We fly on a plane and gladly vacate our seat once we have landed safely in our final destination. We buy a home, and though it may at times be bitter-sweet, vacate when necessary. We vacate jobs. We vacate posts and positions we hold. We vacate marriages at a staggering rate. We aren't afraid to let go and move on from things we deem to be "temporary".

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18 (NIV)

Huh. Now you're starting to get my point. (when, by the way, did I become an evangelist I'm not sure --- but stay with me)

God tells us that what we see is temporary - all of it. The house we made a home - temporary. The job we worked so hard for - temporary. Some of us struggle to realize that these "things" are not important, but most would agree they are temporary. You've never seen a hearse with a luggage rack -- as the saying goes. We readily vacate things we know we may never see again. READILY!! We pack up and move -- sometimes never looking back. We walk out of a job on our last day and never set foot in the building again. Why then, is it so hard for us to let go of something else temporary (ie: Earthy life) when we know our eternal life is forever??

"Well Miranda, I don't want to die because I don't want to leave my family." Guess what - God says you'll see them again. Oh, you already knew that? Then what's the problem? Imagine it's like a long vacation or business trip and at the end - we'll all stand at the pearly gates and catch up. I haven't totally reassured you and made you get over your fear of death? Darn - I was hoping I was that good. 

Your fear of death isn't about leaving your family on this side -- its that you won't see them again on the other side. That my friends is a lack of faith. I think I've realized most fear of death boils down to a lack of faith. Its that one little whisper of doubt. What if this life really is IT? What if this God-thing is a hoax? What if Heaven is a beautiful illusion that helps me make this life bearable? What if, what if, what if.

I haven't really solved the problem here, but maybe I've identified part of it for you.

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20 (NIV)

Faith as small as a mustard seed people!! That's all we need. Sure, we'll doubt. We'll lose loved ones and struggle with not being able to talk to them or touch them everyday. Sure we'll sit in church and wonder if all these amazing promises are going to come true. I don't have all the answers. But I do know this: I can muster up faith the size of a mustard seed. I can hold onto that when death seems too permanent and life far too temporary. You can too. It's like George Michael says "Ya gotta have faith".

Kharma's a .....Reality.

No, I didn't convert to Buddhism this week - but I have been thinking
a lot about kharma. For my fellow Christians -- lets call it reaping
and sowing. For the rest of you -- "what goes around, comes around". I
used to think of that only in the negative sense. I remember my mom
using the phrase when I would tell her about some wrong I suffered at
school. "Don't worry Miranda, what goes around comes around".

I see more dead people than the average person -- comes with the job.
I see families, I see friends --- trust me when I say, I see it ALL.
On one of our most recent death calls, what I noticed most was the look
on the face of the person who had passed. I had never met him before -
but I can tell you with positive certainty that he didn't have many
regrets in life. His family mourned the loss of a wonderful husband
and father. He loved and was loved. He lived an honorable life. And,
he most definitely saw the face of God as he entered the Kingdom of
Heaven.

What, you ask, does that have to do with kharma. A LOT. Do you think
the peace on his face came from a life of walking over other people,
of saying unkind things, of chosing what felt good rather than what
was right? Doubt it. Kharma lasts forever folks -- and I mean,
FOREVER. It's represented physically on the faces of those who go to
meet Jesus. On the hearts of the families who had the privledge of
loving and being loved by an amazing mom, dad, sibling. It's
represented eternally by where we spend our time after my van comes
and picks you up.

So, my friends - don't forget kharma. Don't forget the Golden Rule. It
has as much to do with death as it does with how you live your life.
Think about the family and friends you will leave behind --- did you
love them in the best way you could? Think about the homeless man on
the street --- do you really need that $5 in your purse? Yes, he might
by booze with it - but he might look at your kindness and see the face
of God -- for me, its worth the gamble.

My kharma blog got a little preachy -- but kindness, thoughtfulness
and gratitude is so lacking in this world that I felt the need to
climb my soap box, get as high as I could and send a message. When me
or another funeral director comes to pick you up -- what will they
see? A bickering family? A face full of torment and regret? Or an
outpouring of love for a life well lived and lived well. More
importantly, what will HE see when you leave this life to forever
dwell with Him?

Wait....I'm Not Immortal?!

Get really close to the computer and pay attention to this one folks....we're all gonna die. I know, I was shocked too.

 Living in the death care business, you think I would be very aware of my own mortality. Nope. Death is what happens to other people -- people we pick up from their homes or hospitals amid an array of grieving family members. Death is what happens to other people, not me.  So I was shocked, about two weeks ago, to suddenly realize that not only am I going to die --- it could happen any time. 

 I was laying in bed when the realization hit me. And when I say hit me -- it hit me. After a series of particularly difficult death calls and too much Red Bull -- I couldn't sleep. I laid awake and thought about my life. Thought about why I was here and what I would leave behind. Leave behind? Wait, in order for me to leave behind anything -- I would have to go somewhere. Whoa. I'm going somewhere....!!! Well, that's OK. I've told people a hundred times that I'm not afraid of death because I know where I'm going. I'm going to meet Jesus, so its all good. The part I didn't factor into the equation is that I have to leave this life to move onto the next one --- and last time I checked, that involves dying. 


So, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna be a death call for a funeral director. I'm gonna be a backache for the poor guy who has to dig my grave (unless they just vaporize us and zap us into space on flying cars by then....who knows?) I'm gonna die. Sorry to keep repeating it, but once it sinks in, it really sinks in. Now, I have no intention of going anywhere soon -- but being fully aware of your own mortality really puts life into perspective. Will anyone come to my funeral? Of course that would be my first thought. Do enough people like me to take time out of their day to mourn my passing?? I must remember to tell the funeral home to serve good food. And wine...that will draw a crowd. 


All of this aside -- the past few weeks of contemplating my own death have brought me to several conclusions. One, none of us really expect to die and unfortunately live as though we have all the time in the world. Two, Carpe Diem! I know that made this blog just take a turn toward cheesy town, but its true. I want a tattoo -- so I'm getting one. (sorry Hubbs). I want to go to Israel - so I'm going. (again, sorry Hubbs). The lawn can get mowed tomorrow, the dishes will still be in the sink and the laundry will continue to pile -- but the time I can spend with family and friends -- that's what really matters. And Three, I really need to start recruiting for my funeral. 
 

Better Late Than Never.....

We say it all the time, better late than never, when we send a belated birthday card, return a library book 2 months after it was due, get to work late because there was "traffic". But sometimes in life, late is just.... too late. I've seen, more times than I like to count, families unwilling or unable to put aside past grievances to make amends with the dying. Once the dying become the deceased -- the window of burying the hatchet (pardon the pun) has been closed, sealed and will not open again until we all get where we're going.

I recently reached out to a family member I hadn't spoken to in nearly 6 years. While, admittedly, the rift was over something silly -- it still took me 6 years to get up the courage to make the first move. What if I was rejected? What if they didn't want anything to do with me? Well, at least I would know. My story ends happily -- we reconnected and are working on rebuilding our relationship. Part of what prompted my move was the thought of getting a call that he had passed -- and never having the chance to say the things I needed to say. I suppose living every day in the death care business makes me more aware and sensitive to these situations - but I still believe it is a reality we all need to face. All of us -- yes, ALL OF US, have someone we've lost touch with. Sometimes the distance is over a dispute, sometimes its simply life and the passage of time. What about that best friend you had in high school that your haven't spoken to in 20 years. Think it doesn't matter? Wait until you find out they've passed --- it will matter then. What about the brother, sister, cousin you haven't spoken to for God knows how long because of some assumed wrong or hurt. Right now, clinging to your pride and principles -- you feel pretty good. Try sitting at their death bed or at their funeral and wishing like heck you hadn't passed up the opportunity to see them. Swallow your pride, be the bigger person, take the chance - FORGIVE. Forgiveness doesn't mean they were right and you were wrong. Forgiveness means life is too short for you to harbor feelings of hatred or ill-will in your heart. Trust me: do it now, while you still can. I'll step off my soapbox now and resume normal activities. Thank you.

Why the living break my heart

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord
Romans 6:23


When Jim and I got into the funeral business, I thought for sure the hardest part would be dealing with the deceased. Being a pretty emotional girl, I thought seeing a deceased person would send me into a fit of tears. To my surprise, it's not the dead, but the living who break my heart.

As humans, we try to hold tightly to those we love. Even as Christians -- we may know in our minds and believe in our hearts that death is simply the end of our Earthly lives -- but we still want our loved ones here with us. Maybe its the uncertainty -- that gap that should be filled by faith, that gets tested in the face of death. When we lose a loved one we feel cheated -- no matter how much time we had with them, it wasn't enough. This makes sense in cases of young deaths -- people who didn't get a chance to live a full life. But it also happens with older adults. Senior citizens who, by the calendar at least, have lived a good long life still leave behind struggling, greiving,  and sometimes angry loved ones. How do you fill a void that has been filled by a loving spouse for over half a century? How is that ever enough time to have spent with them? Our vows say "til death do us part" --- but how do you live with the separation? Unless God calls us home together - there is always going to be one left behind.

I've heard people say - "they are in a better place now." Why doesn't that give me any comfort? If something happened to someone I loved -- as wonderful as I imagine Heaven is -- I want them here with me. So I struggle with the living. I can hold the hands of the deaceased, and know they truly are in a better place -- a place with no suffering, no sickness, no pain. But I don't know what to say to the husband who just watched his wife take her last breath or the parents who have outlived a child. What can you say?

I don't know what the right answer is -- I'm not sure there is one. But I've listened to my husband and he always seems to say the right thing. He doesn't talk about the death - but the life of the person. I think memories are the best medicine for grief. You can be burdened and shackled to the death -- or you can be uplifted by the memories of the life. So my wish, for whomever is left behind when I go to meet Jesus - remember my life. Remember that I was a dreamer with my head in the clouds. Remember that I loved Skittles. Remember the time I sat in a tree stand, traveled to Japan, married my best friend. Remember that when I get to Heaven - and I will - that the first thing I will do after hugging my Dad's neck, is ask God to watch over everyone I left behind.

10 Things I've Learned About Funeral Service...

Sorry for the long delay between posts Friends. Hopefully we are back on track now.

Well, we've closed the books on our first month in business. Jim and I are humbled and grateful beyond words for the generous outpouring of trust and support from the Charleston community. We have served so many wonderful families -- some of whom we will have a continued connection with. It's been a month of growing, learning and finding our own in the funeral business. We're a little different -- and people are starting to catch on. It's exciting to see the path that's being set out for us. I've learned so much - I couldn't begin to share it all. So, I've made a list of the TOP TEN.

10 THINGS I'VE LEARNED ABOUT FUNERAL SERVICE:

10 - We are all flawed, fallen, mortal humans. Death is a part of life. Dealing with loss is a part of living.

9 - Waffle House is just as good after a long night of working, as it is after a long night of playing.

8 - True love is being by the bedside of your spouse of over 50 years as they let go of this life.

7 - Morgue attendants are really nice people, not creepy like on TV.

6 - Working 16 hours a day by your husband's side on YOUR business is more satisfying than working 8 for someone else's.

5 - People are buried in caskets, vampires live in coffins. You want to get under a funeral director's skin?? Ask to see his coffins. 

4 - You never know what will connect you to other people - living and passed. I've felt closer to my Dad in the last month than I have my entire 29 years. My husband says he would be proud of me -- and that's something I've waited my whole life to hear...

3 - Nurses are God's angels on earth. They've done it all, seen it all and without a lot of sleep --- and yet, they are always a joy to work with.

2 - You will get looks when driving a hearse.

1 - Life is a gift --- every minute of it. Seeing death on a daily basis helps put insignificant things like bad hair days, bad attitudes and bad traffic into perspective.

Well Friends, I hope you enjoy the rest of your week --- stay tuned for updates!!

MD